22 weeks since my last post and I'm still trying to start over, start a-new. I need to find happieness, I need to become content because If I don't soon then the person I have become will slip back to the person I once was- quite, introspected and alone.
I made leaps and bounds in the last to years but that means nothing now, because where I am now is the same place I was two years. It could be passing, it could just be temporary, Maybe it's a combination of feeling stuck and feeling lonely. I'm co-dependent I need to share my life, I need to be able to see the world around me, and more importantly I need to be able to share what I see with someone.

Summer was another story, something better felt, even greater tasted.
The summer was ours.
We had claimed it, we had put our feet down and raised our flag.
We, armed with passion, shot down the sky.
As it tumbled down, we called out to the sun.
Even the trees couldn’t stop us,
Towering higher then we could stand,
Planted deeper then we could ever root.
For once, the tall pines and great oaks,
Basked in our glory, our shade.

Fall was a shorter story, something better felt, even greater left alone.
The fall was romance, color, and endings.
Not much to it, because life has a way of bringing ends,
in order for later beginnings.
I, armed with blindness, missed the seasons changing,
missed the golden colors, missed the larger picture.
Even you could not have stopped me,
Reasoning as you did, deeper then my mind would let me.
For once, my mind had failed me.
For once, my heart betrayed me.

Winter was a longer story, something better felt, even greater heard.
The winter was mine, alone.
By then I had tasted summer, missed fall and needed winter’s cool white noise.
I, armed with disappointment, regretted summer choices,
Regretted fall short-comings, and hoped for something greater.
Hoped for springs beginnings.
But even hope could not have saved me,
Enlightening as it was, bringing answers to my questions,
Bringing reasons to my failures.
For once hope had lost one.
For once hope had given up.

Spring was a fresher story, something better felt, even greater basked in.
Spring had a bright beginning,
Come spring I had coped with summer, reasoned with fall
and left winter’s presence
I, armed with a newer outlook, did not mind the years surrender.
Saw a brighter picture, and forgotten all your touch.
But even memories could not harm me,
Sad as they wore, they could not touch me.
Your face was no longer haunting
a year had stripped it’s edges.
Gladly I had forgotten love and pain’s potential.

"I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
& this bottle of beast is taking me home.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone & you're not discreet.
You make sure I know, who's taking you home.
I'm reading your note over again.
There is not a word that I comprehend,
except when you signed it
"I will love you always & forever"

You know it's bad day, when I turn to live journal and dashboard confessionals. Sadly enough I have no reason to be sad, just am, just loney, just unsure what to do next, where to go- how to move. I expect to much out of life, but all I expect is happieness...hardly that much to ask for, right?. I am overwhelmed, frustrated and still can't grasp that things aren't what they used to be, and what they could be. I need some direction before I end up in some darken corner screaming for answers. It's strange that college is the same as highschool just differant faces and places with hightened risks, well maybe not completely I just feel like I am not where I should be, but given it's only my second semester I will give that one time.
Is it silly to say that I feel lonely, never have I been surrounded by so many people, so many new freinds...and yet I feel alone. I hate how last semester I was sad but felt surrounded by freinds, and now this semester I am fairly decent but feel so alone. I know that I am not alone, I can walk two steps down the hall and be with people I care about, but I want someone to hold. Simple as that, I want someone I can run with, I want someone to turn to when I can't stand on my own. I want someone to love...to love unconditionally and to love with out fear of loss. Sadly enough I no longer have all that faith in love, I used to think I knew what love was, but I no longer can claim that. Thats what I get for claiming love where only lust ruled, I blinded passion and let my own insecurities play out in ways that would drive away even the most loving individual. But for the times that I had been content in my stupidity I thanks you, for I would easily and quickly embrace that unkowingly once more.
I think if life was a person I would slap him/her for being a doushe bag. Either that or make it promise me that it won't throw anymore curveballs. No more surprise attacks or hidden messages. But would I sacrifice living, all things included for security...probley not.

It's no suripse this sate of confusion I'm in. I guess I never left it, just transitioned from one matter to the next. It's obvious now that I have no Idea where I am in my life. I just get by, always have, seems to be the trend, I don't know what I want to do with myself. I mean I'm involved, so may say overly involved, but does that make me happy. I like to dive sure, but can I say that devoting my entry school year to spinning in the air is right for me? Probley not, then there is theater, got a good part, but I question if I can risk being judged over and over like that trade dictates.
So much of me wants a break, I just want to lay down and sure a solatary moment with someone I care about. I just want enjoy the simple things so when I do get a chance to sit down I don't feel burt out.
My first semester is over, and for that I am happy, I have made new freinds for that I am also happy. I still find reason to frown, it's like no matter how far along I go, I'll always feel like I'm taking three steps back. I can't escape what I don;t want to deal with, but at the same time it's getting too hard to just accept it. Maybe I should just let myself enjoy life, not worry about what comes next, maybe I am to hung up on the future and not concerned enough with what is happening at this very moment.
Can I continue to define my self by what has happened before and what is to happen later, or should I start to define myself by what is now and what is happening.
I have rambled like this in a long time, being home brings it out.

I feel like I messed up somewhere, somewhere I went astray, like I took the wrong path and didn't see the signs. The signs that were directing me in the way I was to turn. It's like I had chioces and I made the chioces I felt were right, and for the time being they really were, but then other people's chioces came into the picture, and when they did I was proven wrong. My chioces were made viod because they didn't matter to anyone but myself anymore. I thought these feelings where gone, that I was over all of this, but a litte bit of it remains. A little twindge of something that had past. I guess I assumed that I would be okay with everything, and mostly I am, until of course I get a breath of something that brings it back. Not all of it, just an ounce, a small bit, but that bit is enough to rattle my head.
I feel like I'm missing something, something that should be there. Like I'm a puzzle and that one piece is missing, and I want it to be there, so I can feel complete. Maybe I'm missing it because I am to scared to have it. I need to lighten up, and just take it how it comes. It's like I can't allow myself to be what I should be, and I am to scared to see what is right in front of me. When things aren't right they should feel wrong, there shouldn't be any of this indesisiveness, when somethings wrong it SHOULD feel wrong. I wish so much that I was one hundred percent with myself or atleat okay with this person that stares back at me when I look in a mirror.
I don't understand, and the majority of that confusions if directed to myself, becaue I don't understand why I do the things I do. I feel like a shitty person because I feel like I get involved with people and then get scared and back out. In the backing out I end up hurting the other person. How can I be comfertable with anyone else when I'm hardly confertable with myself. The wrost thing is how do you tell someone that, how do you get them to understand that the reason you stopping the reason you need to back out and back off is that : you can't allow some one else in because its hard enough with just you. I feel like I have been letting myself down for some long, and now along with myself I'm letting others down to. I feel sorry and I hopr that some where along the line I can right my wrongs.
I just have no idea where to go and what to do. The only thing that comes to mind is ease up, but I can't help being tense. It's like when your in a car crash and the moment before impact you tense up and grab hold of something in hopes of making it out alive. But by tensing up you wrosen the whole thing. I'M NOT READY for what I find myself in!

- Matty

I wish I had a clue...

I'm not to sure, for a while I was indefferent- just pissed and not ready to care. Basically in many ways I feel like I'm allowing myself to surface again. What's scary is that when I broke the surfuce and looked around I wasn't sure I liked what I saw, mainly myself. I feel like in so many ways I have let myself down, I'm not secure enough in my well goodness any more. I mean I'm not a blatently mean or bad person, but sometimes I think the situations I put myself in end up more or less hurting people.
I've changed alot in the past four years, which is good because the person I was coming into high school was pretty ignorant to what is really out there in the world. I was blind to what I had to watch out for and what I should hang on to. But I think somewhere along the raod to becoming aware I lost the majority of my innocence. Now I guess I understand that innocence is for children and I can no longer be a child, but maybe I should still have some bit of innocence, and maybe I do- but I feel like I've done to much to have it. But I'm happy now, I mean compared to freshmen year atleast. I have a lot to be thankful for- I did well in school and have freinds well some that are more then amazing. I'm myself for the most part.
See i think that the thing, I'm not afriad to be myself, I afraid of myself. Like where is thas person that was very kind and cute and well mannered. Now Im well loud and at times annoying, I say hurtful things ( not meaning them).
It's like highschool is ending and I feel like I changed but not to where I wanted to be. I'm more confused then when I started because I have more on my mind. It's like I messed up so much that I have to live with my mistakes. it's easy to live with them but the burden is getting more then annoying. Maybe I went down the wrong road, made a few bad decisions that lead me to where I am. But were they wrong is I enjoyed where I was when they where happening. Maybe this will all change soon, I mean I'm moving I can be who ever I want to be, and no one ever said my past had to follow me. So basically I'm confused as to where I am, sure of where I came from and disapponted in myself for how I got here.
It would be amusing to put the story of my life on paper, to track everything to sort and shift. I feel like I have a pretty decent story to tell. I sure know that I have learned alot.

*last offical highschool concert tonight!*

No regrets, I have to occasionally remind myself that. Just do what you need to do Matt, and as long as it makes you happy along the road your golden. Slow things down, that could be key, so no one gets hurt. I basically am a mess, unorginized and rediculous I "live for the moment" ha! I live in my own little world thats for sure, just floating by bouncing and bumping of others for direction. College will be an eye opener that is for sure.

-Matty

Every one hads pain right?

Maybe I can just fall back to where I was with out everything I had, well thought I had. I was comfertable there, no reason to unheave my life over a false testement or two. Independance is a thing I claim but lack the evidence to support that claim.

"If I lay here,
If I just lay here, would you lie with me
and forget the world"

I was wrong, and now in the face of the dreaded just "okay" I am worried. Can I be normal with just "okay", can I be content with the choas I strive off of, and can I not be pissy with out it being great. Just okay...what does okay mean? That what ever happened is forgotten if so I'll walk away from okay
-or- does okay mean that what happened happened but now is down and everything is fine.

"I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough"

I guess it was bound to happen, I have a habit of hiking up my expectations untill even I couldn't be able to meet them. In my mind if you shoot for all the way past the top and you only land a halfway up, you still land half-way up. Basically and Honestly I'm "okay" what ever that means. I just write about this, because I need some sense of direction and through the work of my fingers and this keyboard I usually can find it.

"I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all."

Who am I to risk more? and who am I to want to? I was stupid that all I can think of. But now I can just be myself, no more of the Matty that tries so hard to be perfect. No more fakeness. I am who I am right, I can hardly change that. Surprisingly I feel fine, disapointed a tad bit, but by now I am more then over it.
----------------------------------------------------
On to Real Present Life
----------------------------------------------------

We had our last book club meeting, that was sad, Kelsey and I started that at the end of our soph. year and now seniors we are leaving our baby behind. Also we had our last authors and artist night and it was a good one to go out on. I'm getting sadder with every "last" that we have.

Been a good weekend busy and fun. Hung out with Sammy and that crew on friday: played some football, climbed on the swing sets and got an ice cappy. Saterday, Camp Staff meeting was rather boaring dispite a delightful speech given by the one and only Tracy, then went to get food, bowling and to see stick it with Poot. All of which was entertaining and more importantly relaxing. Then on Sunday went to the Grandmothers which was like all other holidays good, I did get some kick butt hand-me-downs from my grandfather who passed on last year. I was offered a job at shwables but once they found out I was leaving to work at camp in a month they said that it wouldn't work out O well... shit happens.
I'm looking foward to camp, which is both a given and something I didn't expect. That paradox will remain on explained, to long of a story and Im probley more or less retarded by now.