22 weeks since my last post and I'm still trying to start over, start a-new. I need to find happieness, I need to become content because If I don't soon then the person I have become will slip back to the person I once was- quite, introspected and alone.
I made leaps and bounds in the last to years but that means nothing now, because where I am now is the same place I was two years. It could be passing, it could just be temporary, Maybe it's a combination of feeling stuck and feeling lonely. I'm co-dependent I need to share my life, I need to be able to see the world around me, and more importantly I need to be able to share what I see with someone.

Summer was another story, something better felt, even greater tasted.
The summer was ours.
We had claimed it, we had put our feet down and raised our flag.
We, armed with passion, shot down the sky.
As it tumbled down, we called out to the sun.
Even the trees couldn’t stop us,
Towering higher then we could stand,
Planted deeper then we could ever root.
For once, the tall pines and great oaks,
Basked in our glory, our shade.

Fall was a shorter story, something better felt, even greater left alone.
The fall was romance, color, and endings.
Not much to it, because life has a way of bringing ends,
in order for later beginnings.
I, armed with blindness, missed the seasons changing,
missed the golden colors, missed the larger picture.
Even you could not have stopped me,
Reasoning as you did, deeper then my mind would let me.
For once, my mind had failed me.
For once, my heart betrayed me.

Winter was a longer story, something better felt, even greater heard.
The winter was mine, alone.
By then I had tasted summer, missed fall and needed winter’s cool white noise.
I, armed with disappointment, regretted summer choices,
Regretted fall short-comings, and hoped for something greater.
Hoped for springs beginnings.
But even hope could not have saved me,
Enlightening as it was, bringing answers to my questions,
Bringing reasons to my failures.
For once hope had lost one.
For once hope had given up.

Spring was a fresher story, something better felt, even greater basked in.
Spring had a bright beginning,
Come spring I had coped with summer, reasoned with fall
and left winter’s presence
I, armed with a newer outlook, did not mind the years surrender.
Saw a brighter picture, and forgotten all your touch.
But even memories could not harm me,
Sad as they wore, they could not touch me.
Your face was no longer haunting
a year had stripped it’s edges.
Gladly I had forgotten love and pain’s potential.

"I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
& this bottle of beast is taking me home.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone & you're not discreet.
You make sure I know, who's taking you home.
I'm reading your note over again.
There is not a word that I comprehend,
except when you signed it
"I will love you always & forever"

You know it's bad day, when I turn to live journal and dashboard confessionals. Sadly enough I have no reason to be sad, just am, just loney, just unsure what to do next, where to go- how to move. I expect to much out of life, but all I expect is happieness...hardly that much to ask for, right?. I am overwhelmed, frustrated and still can't grasp that things aren't what they used to be, and what they could be. I need some direction before I end up in some darken corner screaming for answers. It's strange that college is the same as highschool just differant faces and places with hightened risks, well maybe not completely I just feel like I am not where I should be, but given it's only my second semester I will give that one time.
Is it silly to say that I feel lonely, never have I been surrounded by so many people, so many new freinds...and yet I feel alone. I hate how last semester I was sad but felt surrounded by freinds, and now this semester I am fairly decent but feel so alone. I know that I am not alone, I can walk two steps down the hall and be with people I care about, but I want someone to hold. Simple as that, I want someone I can run with, I want someone to turn to when I can't stand on my own. I want someone to love...to love unconditionally and to love with out fear of loss. Sadly enough I no longer have all that faith in love, I used to think I knew what love was, but I no longer can claim that. Thats what I get for claiming love where only lust ruled, I blinded passion and let my own insecurities play out in ways that would drive away even the most loving individual. But for the times that I had been content in my stupidity I thanks you, for I would easily and quickly embrace that unkowingly once more.
I think if life was a person I would slap him/her for being a doushe bag. Either that or make it promise me that it won't throw anymore curveballs. No more surprise attacks or hidden messages. But would I sacrifice living, all things included for security...probley not.

It's no suripse this sate of confusion I'm in. I guess I never left it, just transitioned from one matter to the next. It's obvious now that I have no Idea where I am in my life. I just get by, always have, seems to be the trend, I don't know what I want to do with myself. I mean I'm involved, so may say overly involved, but does that make me happy. I like to dive sure, but can I say that devoting my entry school year to spinning in the air is right for me? Probley not, then there is theater, got a good part, but I question if I can risk being judged over and over like that trade dictates.
So much of me wants a break, I just want to lay down and sure a solatary moment with someone I care about. I just want enjoy the simple things so when I do get a chance to sit down I don't feel burt out.
My first semester is over, and for that I am happy, I have made new freinds for that I am also happy. I still find reason to frown, it's like no matter how far along I go, I'll always feel like I'm taking three steps back. I can't escape what I don;t want to deal with, but at the same time it's getting too hard to just accept it. Maybe I should just let myself enjoy life, not worry about what comes next, maybe I am to hung up on the future and not concerned enough with what is happening at this very moment.
Can I continue to define my self by what has happened before and what is to happen later, or should I start to define myself by what is now and what is happening.
I have rambled like this in a long time, being home brings it out.

I feel like I messed up somewhere, somewhere I went astray, like I took the wrong path and didn't see the signs. The signs that were directing me in the way I was to turn. It's like I had chioces and I made the chioces I felt were right, and for the time being they really were, but then other people's chioces came into the picture, and when they did I was proven wrong. My chioces were made viod because they didn't matter to anyone but myself anymore. I thought these feelings where gone, that I was over all of this, but a litte bit of it remains. A little twindge of something that had past. I guess I assumed that I would be okay with everything, and mostly I am, until of course I get a breath of something that brings it back. Not all of it, just an ounce, a small bit, but that bit is enough to rattle my head.
I feel like I'm missing something, something that should be there. Like I'm a puzzle and that one piece is missing, and I want it to be there, so I can feel complete. Maybe I'm missing it because I am to scared to have it. I need to lighten up, and just take it how it comes. It's like I can't allow myself to be what I should be, and I am to scared to see what is right in front of me. When things aren't right they should feel wrong, there shouldn't be any of this indesisiveness, when somethings wrong it SHOULD feel wrong. I wish so much that I was one hundred percent with myself or atleat okay with this person that stares back at me when I look in a mirror.
I don't understand, and the majority of that confusions if directed to myself, becaue I don't understand why I do the things I do. I feel like a shitty person because I feel like I get involved with people and then get scared and back out. In the backing out I end up hurting the other person. How can I be comfertable with anyone else when I'm hardly confertable with myself. The wrost thing is how do you tell someone that, how do you get them to understand that the reason you stopping the reason you need to back out and back off is that : you can't allow some one else in because its hard enough with just you. I feel like I have been letting myself down for some long, and now along with myself I'm letting others down to. I feel sorry and I hopr that some where along the line I can right my wrongs.
I just have no idea where to go and what to do. The only thing that comes to mind is ease up, but I can't help being tense. It's like when your in a car crash and the moment before impact you tense up and grab hold of something in hopes of making it out alive. But by tensing up you wrosen the whole thing. I'M NOT READY for what I find myself in!

- Matty

I wish I had a clue...

I'm not to sure, for a while I was indefferent- just pissed and not ready to care. Basically in many ways I feel like I'm allowing myself to surface again. What's scary is that when I broke the surfuce and looked around I wasn't sure I liked what I saw, mainly myself. I feel like in so many ways I have let myself down, I'm not secure enough in my well goodness any more. I mean I'm not a blatently mean or bad person, but sometimes I think the situations I put myself in end up more or less hurting people.
I've changed alot in the past four years, which is good because the person I was coming into high school was pretty ignorant to what is really out there in the world. I was blind to what I had to watch out for and what I should hang on to. But I think somewhere along the raod to becoming aware I lost the majority of my innocence. Now I guess I understand that innocence is for children and I can no longer be a child, but maybe I should still have some bit of innocence, and maybe I do- but I feel like I've done to much to have it. But I'm happy now, I mean compared to freshmen year atleast. I have a lot to be thankful for- I did well in school and have freinds well some that are more then amazing. I'm myself for the most part.
See i think that the thing, I'm not afriad to be myself, I afraid of myself. Like where is thas person that was very kind and cute and well mannered. Now Im well loud and at times annoying, I say hurtful things ( not meaning them).
It's like highschool is ending and I feel like I changed but not to where I wanted to be. I'm more confused then when I started because I have more on my mind. It's like I messed up so much that I have to live with my mistakes. it's easy to live with them but the burden is getting more then annoying. Maybe I went down the wrong road, made a few bad decisions that lead me to where I am. But were they wrong is I enjoyed where I was when they where happening. Maybe this will all change soon, I mean I'm moving I can be who ever I want to be, and no one ever said my past had to follow me. So basically I'm confused as to where I am, sure of where I came from and disapponted in myself for how I got here.
It would be amusing to put the story of my life on paper, to track everything to sort and shift. I feel like I have a pretty decent story to tell. I sure know that I have learned alot.

*last offical highschool concert tonight!*

No regrets, I have to occasionally remind myself that. Just do what you need to do Matt, and as long as it makes you happy along the road your golden. Slow things down, that could be key, so no one gets hurt. I basically am a mess, unorginized and rediculous I "live for the moment" ha! I live in my own little world thats for sure, just floating by bouncing and bumping of others for direction. College will be an eye opener that is for sure.

-Matty

Every one hads pain right?

Maybe I can just fall back to where I was with out everything I had, well thought I had. I was comfertable there, no reason to unheave my life over a false testement or two. Independance is a thing I claim but lack the evidence to support that claim.

"If I lay here,
If I just lay here, would you lie with me
and forget the world"

I was wrong, and now in the face of the dreaded just "okay" I am worried. Can I be normal with just "okay", can I be content with the choas I strive off of, and can I not be pissy with out it being great. Just okay...what does okay mean? That what ever happened is forgotten if so I'll walk away from okay
-or- does okay mean that what happened happened but now is down and everything is fine.

"I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough"

I guess it was bound to happen, I have a habit of hiking up my expectations untill even I couldn't be able to meet them. In my mind if you shoot for all the way past the top and you only land a halfway up, you still land half-way up. Basically and Honestly I'm "okay" what ever that means. I just write about this, because I need some sense of direction and through the work of my fingers and this keyboard I usually can find it.

"I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all."

Who am I to risk more? and who am I to want to? I was stupid that all I can think of. But now I can just be myself, no more of the Matty that tries so hard to be perfect. No more fakeness. I am who I am right, I can hardly change that. Surprisingly I feel fine, disapointed a tad bit, but by now I am more then over it.
----------------------------------------------------
On to Real Present Life
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We had our last book club meeting, that was sad, Kelsey and I started that at the end of our soph. year and now seniors we are leaving our baby behind. Also we had our last authors and artist night and it was a good one to go out on. I'm getting sadder with every "last" that we have.

Been a good weekend busy and fun. Hung out with Sammy and that crew on friday: played some football, climbed on the swing sets and got an ice cappy. Saterday, Camp Staff meeting was rather boaring dispite a delightful speech given by the one and only Tracy, then went to get food, bowling and to see stick it with Poot. All of which was entertaining and more importantly relaxing. Then on Sunday went to the Grandmothers which was like all other holidays good, I did get some kick butt hand-me-downs from my grandfather who passed on last year. I was offered a job at shwables but once they found out I was leaving to work at camp in a month they said that it wouldn't work out O well... shit happens.
I'm looking foward to camp, which is both a given and something I didn't expect. That paradox will remain on explained, to long of a story and Im probley more or less retarded by now.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it



Basically how I feel... Love how music can say everything.

I think I try to be everything but myself. I try to be normal as a way to prevent my own oddness from taking over. I appear to be normal, but I don't think I am... atleast to an extent. I want so much to be in that cookie cutter shape as to be okay. Because if your normal you have no reason not to be. It a basic understanding in my mind, like all other things in my mind could be wrong; that normal people are compleatly happy. They fit in, go unnoticed, and basically fade into the wood work creating no uproar or complications. I hate the fact I want to be normal, it's such a sell out, like I used to strive on the fact I am differant in my own ways... now I want to be the normal all american guy - steak, baseball, and porn. I just don't understand what I am suppose to be, I'm so used to cahnging depending on how I am around, its a saftey net I guess... but I leave soon, go somewhere no one knows me, I can be anything and anyone I want... but the question Is who do I be, who do I want to be.

- Matty

People just need to stop, I'm getting more then frustrated with alot of people. Maybe I deserve this, this whole year has sucked, at points in time has been amazing, but over all too much has changed for my liking. The wrost part is I figured it was all getting better, untill some new insult of an event takes place, or I find some new assholish thing. I want to just tell everyone off, and leave at that. Like I don't think people understand that you can tell me what ever the hell you want, but don't hide stuff from me, don't keep secrets so I have to hear them from other people.
I really don't care to much about who doesn't like me, as long as they tell me to my face and give me a valid reason for not liking me. It's just like fair in a way, certianly is warrented when they were once my freinds, and I still conceder some of them mine still. Like just tell me so I don't still want you in my life.

How Many More Days
-Matty

All I want is to be honest...

I'm thinking I just messed up all over the place this year. Left the people I should have kept close, and focused on a whim, something that maybe I should have kept in my life just to the side. Maybe I was right, I'm pretty sure I don't regret any risk I have took. I mean good experiances right everything from Julliard to what ever the hell else happened, the end sucked but the road to get there was good. It's just so hard to feel and hear your not good enough, in all cases that what sucked the most. It's just like thats nothing new to me... maybe I hold things to close, maybe I want to feel wounded. But it's okay right, I've learned my lesson, and god damn it I'm stronger because it! So basically I can only improve as a person, actor and friend.

We can onlt play the wounded card for so long before we sink into it. But it's funny because I have had so much to be proud of, and with those risks and untial failures I have achieved much. I mean I have risen to the occasion more then once, but it's like I'm tired of feeling like I am the only one. I know thats not true... for the most part. But it's like I rise to the occasion only to fail half the time. And maybe I haven't failed persay but I'm hard on my self so even sucsess fells like a failure when it isn't good or strong enough.

Basically I wish I was a better person, in all aspects.

Matty

Basically I need to get the hell out of this town, I just want to start over. I'm not sure how likely that is, but I'm tired and worn by who I am. Worn out by the life I lead and all its bland and lame excuses of events, I'm sick of how people see me, and the person people think I am. Most of all I am just so done with all the Drama, I just want to get as far away as I can from everything. I want to drop it to the ground and not deal with it, run from it, leave it here so when I'm there it won't be holding me down anymore.

Maybe by starting new, starting fresh, being who I want to be not who people expect me to be I will find some ground to walk on. Symbolically speaking of course. Maybe I will keep my past with me, or fall into the trap of leaving in behind me. At times I wish I can suffer a severe bout of amnesia and wake up not knowing what lies in the past. But by forgetting our past we deny who we are... but thats the point right? I would galdly sacrifice the person I am today for a new shot and a new life. It's sad but often times true how willing I am to shed who I am for the general statement of what life is supposed to be.

I'm not saying that I am so discontented that I hate everything, but I just wish everything wasn't so double edged. Good things come with a price, and as it stands now I am unwilling to pay that price, not because I don't want to but more so because I can't. It's like you can't enjoy the good things... that are genuinely good becasue of the risks... so you fall to the steady and disconcerning pattern of being meloncolly and to an extent unhappy because you aren't sad but you are far from happy.

Augast 24 and then I am so far gone
- Matty

I wish that some time life would let me enjoy what I have been through. I love living and I love laughing, I love these two more then anything in the world. I would be okay if that was all my life was made of just living and lauhing, I would be happy.

Self Confession Time

- I was born in March in between the ides of march and St. Patty's day... this had no effect or importance to my life.

- I write poetry non-stop. The majority of it sucks, some times I'll write something good, either way it helps me deal with all the things I can't and refuse to talk about.

- Through the majority of grammer school I wanted to be a priest... that dream has long since been defunct.

-I listen to bluegrass and country.

-Doing Laundry reminds me of being at nysssa, there for I do my own and everyone elses laundry in my family because I loved nysssa.

- When I was 10 I used to wish That something exciting would happen to me, some rediculous adventure that would come and sweep me away... I am still wishing.

- I have never liked peas... they used to make me want to vomit.

- I love to dance and sing... niether of which am I talented at.

- I should be studying for my AP English Exam but can't think striaght.

- I like to cuddle, and lay around with someone else.

- I refuse to believe I regret anything, but secretly i regret it all.

- Christine and Cyndi fill my life with Randomness... I love them for that.

- Matt M and Melissa have been my anchors for the last two years... I don't think they know that.

- I feel more home at camp then anywhere else.

- I miss Mer, Emily, Steven, Nick, Olivia, Alli, Aileen and MJ more then anyone in my life.

- I wish I could swim all year round, and Foot ball is the best sport to play with freinds.

- I try desperatly to be everything I'm not.

- I still draw stick figures, even though I have been told I am very good in art class.

- I am either the most hardworking or laziest person you will meet in you life, you choose.

- If there is one thing in the world that tops everything it would either be fun fetti or love. Im leaning more to fun- fetti.


Im sure there is more but I can't think of it.

"It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend"

Some times song lyrics can express every mixed up emotion that you have been tackling, so easily that its un-nerving. I wish I knew why things mostly freindships don't last when you count on them too. Sure I'm over contemplative all the time, but this is just kind of rediculous more or less. I guess it's always gonna be that way, sometimes we just have absolutely no power over what happens. I do try, maybe to hard, but I try none the less, to push things in the right direction. Im glad I have Kim, I realized yesterday how nice it is to have something that never changes. It's beem 11 years, and we both are the same, the problems we face and the people in our lives change but between us nothing has. We grown to gether, it's almost scary at times how much we have in commen.

I have been thinking alot, no surprise there, just pondering my life and all the recent glories and all the recent failures and they all are manageable. Nothing that spectacular, nothing that hurts to much to bear and nothing that I can't tackle. Some times when everything seems out of your own grasp you have to take it upon urself to reach out grab it all and put it in perspective. Because when all else seems to far away, we always can fall back on perspective. Good or bad, to every event, ever happening there are pros and cons.

Nothing is so cut and dry that its either good or bad. I remeber some one at some point in my life telling me that in your life there are two roads you can take, one of hate and one of love. When I first heard that I was shocked I remeber thinking to myself how true that was. But it's not as true as I thought, sure you have control over which road you take, but some times it takes hate to show us the true value of love, and vise versa. Also, sometimes people do things in love that cause pain, that through their own love are walking down the road that leads to hate. Unknowingly of course. And who is to decide what is love and what is hate, I could do something wrong, knowing it was wrong, but have good intentions, trying to achomplish love through knowingly falling to hate. What of that?

Life isn't black and white, sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that. It isn't our place to pass judgement on others, and that hard because when we hurt, we want to blame, we want to be the one that cast the stone, because by blaming we take our pain away. We let ourselve beconsumed by blaming someone else because it lets some of our pain go away.

Maybe Im just rambling, but rambling is atleast something...


-Matty

I feel really weak, not physically but more so emotionaly... As much as I try I can not convince myself that I am strong in that area. Right now I am worried my own preserverance is being seen as annoyance... that could be because I have no idea anymore.



In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
-Billy Joel

I don't usually update anymore, more so only when Im pissed or upset. I don't think Im either right now just contemplative. I'm some where in between happy and just bearly getting by...depending on the day and song I'm listening too. I had I great day, every moment of it was rediculous, but now at my house alone I fall back down, I am exulting in my own self pity and Billy Joel is keeping me there. Im not sure how much of my current situation (that I chose to be vague about because there is a comfort in that).

I am allowing my self time to find my self again, to center my self so I can find peace. West Seneca is making that difficult, I just don;t have the freedom I would like. To many "Judges", to many people that want to many differant things for me. I hope that once I get out and go away I will find myself, and find a life that suits who ever I find.

I find myself at times nervous because for the first time in my life a do not know what the is in store. I can not give you any deffinates in my future. That worrys me because I am with out a handle, with out a grip... all I know is that change is going to happen, but not what to expect. At one point in the recent past I had a grip on what was to come, but that was only for a short period of time, and it was unclear at that, but even that unclear idea of what is to come oftered me something to keep close.

I remember at Nysssa Tim told us that he was at the point in his life that he is looking for answers, and at the time I took that as a sign of unsurity, almost as a sign of weekness. Figuring that I had found my answers, thinking that part of my life was past. Now I see that and justify what he had said, I too feel like I need answers. I realize now that my sense of security was false and the reason why I felt the way I did was because I was blinding myself to what I couldn't not bear to see.

I have faith in the future as unclear as it may be. I know that as long as I do what I feel is right that I will find my own contentment, that things will be the way they should.


Over and Out
Matty

So i'm out of it today, and been this way for a while.

This is related to school by the way, not camp or nysssa but school.

I wan't things to work out, and I want everything to be perfect, but to be honest the way things are going is making me feel otherwise. I never thought that I would look back on everything and wish that for a moment I could have it back. Senior year and I'm still not understanding anything when it comes to what people want me to be. I can honestly say right now I am as close as being the person that I am, then I have ever been around you people. I guess the lack of phone calls is finally getting to me. The lack of phone calls and invatations, and just the kind of moments that filled my life before. And maybe if I had a reason it would make it more understandable, maybe if I had an idea what had changed. When I came home this summer I figured for a while it would be a little diffarent, mostly because well when you gone for that long it happens, that was understandable, but then surprisingly it got better much much better, now theres nothing. Maybe Im over thinking again and maybe I'm just not making enough effort, but for once I would just like to know is it me? Am I just not a decent person... Because if that the answer maybe I feel this way for a reason. It's not like i rub my acmplishments in anyones face, its not like I'm cocky, I care and want to do things for everyone. Like my mom said it when she noticed something was up

"Matt what happened"
"I dunno"
"don't you have any one to call or do something with"
"I dunno"
"Matt you can live with just camp freinds"

And my camp freinds are great, but for the most part they are not here, college is a horrible thing at times. And the people from nysssa are scattered throughout the state. and the last thing I want is pity friends, and the last thing other then that i want is to sound desperate. cause i don't and I'm not.

GRr!